5/31/20, NIGHT

my mind has wandered endlessly today, and i've been in a state of anger all week. annoyed with my mother, her instigations and lack of understanding towards me. i did make a pretty bitchy statement today, i will not avoid that truth. things are always tense. i do think it's the everknown teenage conundrum of tightness, and a 'no one understands me' that one would have with their parents. however, i've put too much effort into her to get it thrown back at me, and when i isolate myself, it's a "you never spend time with me anymore". the irony expotentially GROWS AND GROWS AND GROWS!


i do love her, but i think i would tolerate her much better from afar, and from somewhere she'll have no say in my life. IN OTHER NEWS: thoughts are passerby, skittling skuttling rushing all sorts of ways. they overwhelm me! put me in a sedated state. it always seems i'll never recover, but then the fog clears, and i return to my regular programming. my world blurs and becomes dream-like, and it's rarely pleasant. i become a prisoner to paranoid and nonsensical thoughts that do not come from my own mind, she would never spew such things. here are some examples:

these are the most evident and consistent thoughts, each and everytime. i cannot remember everything. it's a very surreal form of mind. physical effects can be:

very very troublesome! luckily, with being confined to my room a majority of the time, i lay in my semi-catatonic state, usually not noticing the severity. i've thought about this a lot today. i know i look very, very, very STUPID! when these afflictions act up. the shame i feel surrounding is immesurable, almost worse than the shame i associate with my "anxiety attacks". what an tasteless and weak name, makes me feel pathetic. that is a story for another day, though. GOOD WONDERFUL NIGHT.