i am so tired. so, so tired. i've been hallucinating. nothing large, nothing life changing, nothing PHOTOREALISTIC, nothing nothing nothing. but it's something. it's enough to worry me, to know it is not normal. it is not the first time. it's quite common, actually, while i dissociate. which is not an uncommon occurance either. but i was there. i was in my body. i was not fuzzed, i was not reeling from reality, in the realm between my body and mind, i was not My Limbo. i cried! oh, how i cried! i cannot tell what's real. it started with strange ringing, an abnormal ringing. clicking, and my vision came in waves. was i drugged? impossible! im alone! but is there a presence? i have always had a clear distinction of when my body reached the Inbetween, the Limbo. that was taken from me.
i was so tired. my mother told me to clean my room. i told her i was so tired, i couldn't. she didn't listen. i got upset. i told her everything.
i told her everything. she's ignored my health issues. it was so much. i told her about that i was having hallucinations. she didn't bother to be concerned, instead went to blame. i told her that im not dangerous! that's why no one told her. she told me that i can say i'm not dangerous all i want, but they know what delusions are like. they know it from my step-grandmother, a schizophrenic. i am not a schizophrenic! 'there are different degrees. severity', i say! they ignore. speak over me. they do not bother to ask what kind of hallucinations and delusions. to see of what substance! they rather ask the adult, rather than their own kin! their own child!
TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK
they act as if i'm a danger. that i am lying, i am not tired. i am not in pain. they want me to make my suffering palatable to them, in order to be real. they say they dont remember events i have so clearly in my mind. they've acted wrongly so many times! they turn at me with doubt. when it is all over, i take these memories i have to clearly stapled on the walls of my brain, and they suddenly become blurred. "did i make that up? am i just lying? i'm so terrible. i'm just a liar. i manipulated my poor mother." i have so few memories as is. there was too much hurting when i was little. it made my conscious mind forget, so as to not collapse unto itself. i forget so easily now, i get to Limbo.
that is another subject for another day. what a jumbled mess this is. you, stranger! make sense of it. and please, im not lying. please believe me.