i've been avoiding adding another entry, but i can't seem to pinpoint why. maybe it's scary writing things down. it makes them real. i think that's why i don't say certain words aloud, at least not when it's pertaining to me. ah, but i am here now! another day rises anew, and i have awoken bright and early today. i'v gotten a car, a very nice one. a honda SUV that my step-grandfather got for me! i do feel quite guilty, as it must've been expensive. my mother and step-father have a stable income, but wouldn't be able to afford that.
anywho, i am learning to drive! another step on the ladder of independence, but i'm not sure how much freedom my mother will give me. other than this, i have not had a good week. squabbles, incidents with my father, and overall mild hysteria. it's becoming harder to keep a momentum throughout the day, or visualize cleaning my room, or even stand.
how silly is that? what a useless thing, those little boughts of depression are. at least the hysteria! it makes you feel. deep, in your guts and intestines you wrench and writhe and sob, you don't want to die, you don't want to live, you don't know what you could ever want! you are there in the moment, feverishly human. it is a terrible feeling, but it's needed. you must have it a few times in your life, especially to consider yourself 'Alive'. i must admit, though, i do wish i didn't have it as often. it can quite stifle productivity.
ah, but this depression thing! how useless, how mindless, how STUPID! you lie, and eat, and sit there numb and self pitying. i am not numb! i am the essence of life, beauty, opulence. i am birth! not this brain death my body is trying so hard to subscribe to.
that's all i will write. my eyes are tired.