i was supposed to be updating everyday, but some unfortunate circumstances have befallen me. alas! i am back. what a muddy few days this has been. i has been in my body fairly often, in comparison. the trade off is that my emotions are




goodness, i hardly know how to recover. i spend what feels like an eternity sobbing, or little spills of tears. next, i am in ectasy, relishing the air flowing within my lung with a joie de vivre, not too unfamiliar. O', my dear Mind. What is the meaning of This? I want to live and be aLive! it seems when i am in my body fully, all tempts and crevices of The Human Experience overwhelm me with vigor.

there was a recent incident with my father. there have been many recent incidents. i know his behavior is not correct, that i'm not doing anything wrong, but oh, oh oh, GOD! the second-guessing of myself! and it is fueled by my mother and stepfather.

speaking of those two, they only seem to want to deal with my issues when it's sending me somewhere else. sending a sick dog to the farm in the sky, i suppose! maybe i would be too much to deal with, but they have only dealt with my bouts of depression. and by what, you ask with curiosity? punishing me, for i MUST be disobeying if i am truly, unable to clean myself or personal quarters. could it be the abuse? genetic predisposition?


they threatened to send me back to the facility i was sent to earlier this year. they know themselves that it wasn't the pearliest of places. all that over the fact that i wasn't hungry, and didn't care to chug a protein drink immediately with satisfaction. the protein drink hurts my stomach! pity, pity. anyhow, such a silly thing. they've never cared to deal with me themselves, or to medicate me, despite being told to by multiple White Coat Men. surprise! i do not get better.

i am no pussy, but i think things may never change.

what a bitch thing to say!